My name is Taylor. I’m 25, and I live in California. I started posting my acne journey back in 2021. That was around the time I had just started taking Accutane. I was deeply apprehensive about the outcome. So, I started documenting my skin journey on Instagram as a diary.

Taylor explains how her journey first began.

 

I first started getting acne in junior high, and at first, I didn’t even know what was happening. No one in my family had acne. I was curious about my skin, but I didn’t think too much about it. But then suddenly, a loved one told me,“Taylor, you need to wash your face.” 

And for the first time, I felt like my skin wasn't normal. Yes, I saw my acne beforehand. But, I never felt like I was supposed to be ashamed of it. So, when a loved one remarked — “Wash your face” — I thought to myself –Oh, I’m doing something wrong.Especially since this remark seemed validated by others, I thought my only choice was to assume responsibility. 

And in turn, I started putting all sorts of things on my face, even Proactive. Nevertheless, it all made my skin worse. This started to fuel hate for myself because now, things truly seemed like they were my fault. Nothing was working, and that made me feel so uncomfortable. 

“Basically, all I can do is wear makeup every day. I need to hide myself. Look at how unconfident I am. I wish that all of my acne would go away. Why won’t it?”I began to think. 

At one point, I can even remember thinking acne was a punishment. And was this definitely because I grew up super religious. 

I can remember praying and begging, “Please take my acne away. I’m sorry for doingso and sowrong.” I internalized it all, and told myself –it’s all your fault. I became caught up in a cycle of self-blame and negative self-talk, and this was a mental rollercoaster I endured for 10 years. 

I thought I was being punished becausea)I was unclean andb) perhaps there was something wrong with me. Let me explain. During the first few years of breaking out, I was in high school. I was going out and experimenting, and at the time, I was exploring things I thought were wrong but did anyway. Yes, I grew up Baptist, and I was very influenced by purity culture,especiallyas a young girl. Given how I was brought up, I led myself to the following conclusion: 

“You are not pure, and that’s why you have acne. Dirty. You are being punished.” 

Highly influenced by purity culture, I associated acne with being dirty. I also associated sensuality, especially outside of a “traditional marriage,” with being dirty. So, I thought the two were correlated. I went to a private school, and I was always at church. So, believe me – this was super ingrained. I went to church every Sunday and every Wednesday night. 

It was my life. 

So, when I went to a public high school, I experienced a culture shock. And I thought wanting to find myself made me impure. So, I prayed.

I remember saying, “Please take this from me. I’ll do anything.”

This descended into an eating disorder, and what really did it was an esthetics visit. 

I was told, “You need to go on an anti-inflammatory diet. You need to stop eating certain things.”

This became an extension of self-blame and ideas around sin. It became an obsession “If I eat this, I’m going to break out,” I thought. And I felt like if I sinned or did anything wrong, my punishment was a breakout. And for a time, because I was in such a dark place, this truly seemed to be the case. It’s like I even perceived the cause and effect of it in real-time. 

With time and therapy though, I’ve become aware of how this complex was rooted in perfectionism. At the same time, this was very hard to address and dismantle because I used my religion to justify it. In part, perfectionism had become a manifestation of certain spiritual beliefs. With having acne, I felt like “my sin” was the first thing people saw when they looked at me, and I felt so much shame. Even though acne was completely out of my control, I would habitually blame myself the whole time. 

However, I made my way through girlhood, and finally, I turned 21. Yet, I was still breaking out. Feeling as though I had exhausted my options, I went to my doctor and decided to go on Accutane. For the longest time, I didn’t want to go on Accutane. I had tried all the different skincare routines, multiple different rounds of antibiotics, and several types of birth control. I did facials every month, and I went to different estheticians too. I literally spent so much on skincare, but I couldn’t make progress. So, I took the leap with Accutane.

I made this decision during COVID, and I didn’t know what was going to happen. Everything was uncertain, and I was also busy with taking care of my great-grandma. 

So, documenting my Accutane journey was kind of a coping mechanism and means of “me-time.” Starting Accutane was very impactful because it forced me to take care of myself. It required me to make sure that I was drinking water, eating, and being cognizant of my health. We were in quarantine, and the days were long. But, in the evening, I was alone with my shadow. The quiet made me think, and while going through it, I began connecting with other people on social media. I saw how they were talking about self-love and documenting their journeys.

Full circle, this is what inspired me to document my skin's progress on my notes app. Then, I started a private account. Soon after, people started reaching out and messaging me so much that I decided to make the page public. From there, it started growing more into a self-love and self-acceptance journey. I thought, “If one person could see this and relate to my journey, I’m grateful.” And suddenly, it was no longer about documenting my proximity to clear skin.

I grew further into self-care and self-love practices. I started doing daily affirmations and writing in my journal more. I just started sitting with myself. And at the end of Accutane, my skin was clear, but I still didn’t feel fully happy. So, I saw that I still had internal work to do. 

This was confirmed when two years after using Accutane, my acne came back. All of the negative self-talk began to resurface. But, the difference was – I knew how to refute it. I had more self-knowledge. 

I realized how I’ve spent the last years hating myself over something that was completely out of my control, and that’s not fair to me. I felt like nothing was ever good enough. Even when my skin was clear, it somehow wasn’t clear enough. So now, I’m continuing on my self-acceptance route. I’m deconstructing all of the hateful self-talk I’ve conditioned myself to over the past 10 years, and I tell myself, “Perfection doesn’t equal self-love. You have to love yourself anyways.”

It’s still rough sometimes. But, it’s not like it was before. Healing is a never ending journey, and I’m on an upward spiral. It’s going to get better. So, just nourish what you can control and how you respond. Take things day by day, don’t wait for some sort of milestone in perfection to start loving yourself, and let gratitude carry you. 

@Taylor_unfiltered