Tigger advisory: Malignant narcissism, substance use
The holiday dinner table can easily feel like The Hunger Games, although it shouldn't. The holidays should be a time of giving thanks, warmth, and reflecting on love. However, sometimes people look to compete with others, air past grievances, and hash out old vendettas during this time.
Can't we all just enjoy some pie?
In an ideal world, sure. But in reality, you might need a few strategies to navigate dinner table talks during the holidays. So, here are five self-care habits to remember.
You do not have to answer anyone's questions.
You know that one family member who is always in your business? Maybe asking about your ex or when you're going to achieve a certain goal? Well, you don't have to answer their questions. They are not a judge or magistrate. If you feel uncomfortable divulging certain information, simply answer with vagueness, answer the question with a question, answer briefly, change topics, or go do something else.
But, when you're specifically at the dinner table, remember – it's not like they can hold you in contempt of the court if you don't answer their questions. You have the ability and the right to decide what you're comfortable sharing and what you're not comfortable sharing.
Circumnavigate narcissism
Oh, look! There's that one narcissistic family member. Remember, you're not required to get into a lengthy conversation with them, even though it may feel like it. Narcissists often use dinner tables as a forum for competition, one-upping, and performance.
Well actually, the dinner table is not supposed to be a forum, and even if it were, it wouldn't be an appropriate one to play cat-and-mouse. So, if a family member tries to set up a conversation that leads to competition, comparisons, or an attempt to make you look bad, you don't have to go there with them.
Ask them if you can talk about this later because you're eating, and you can't think about that right now. Change the subject or make light of the situation they are trying to manufacture.
And ultimately, don't take the bait.
You're allowed to deny access, even if they're being “nice.”
There are few things worse than a manipulative person trying to be your friend to make themselves look better. Access denied. At the dinner table, you don't have to let someone in if it feels unnatural. And once again, during dinnertime, you're not obligated to storytell about the challenges you’ve faced this year.
They don't get to judge your food choices or amount.
Period. The food that goes in your body is your business, and if you're being considerate of others, how is it affecting them? It’s not. So, you don't have to let someone guilt or shame you for enjoying the holidays. Enjoy your meal.
Otherwise, if there's potential for that, and you simply don't want to deal with it — just make sure you have a strategy for getting the to-go plates you want.
Connect with support.
At the holiday dinner table, spirits and excessive drinking are common. And if this has the potential to impact your life in a tremendous way, remember to connect with sober contacts. Connecting with others in sobriety is essential. Making sober contacts and reaching out is not only grounding but a reminder that you are not alone.
You can ask what they've done in the past to navigate the holidays, what are they doing currently? Coping strategies? Things to keep in mind? Having these connections also allows you the opportunity to simply speak with someone who's lived it.
Remember, although it may take some fortitude to find in this slanted world, support is possible for you, and you are worthy. Support is a powerful resource for navigating challenges in sobriety during the holidays, and you are worthy of it.
Here are a few resources that could be helpful.
https://www.adaconline.org/community-resources
These resources can help you find support systems near you as well.
Cover photo cred: Freepik